Moments In The Night
by evieeden
Summary: Outtakes and missing moments from The Night Before.
1. The Night When

**This outtake was written for Amy and Amelia who were kind enough to buy me as part of the FGB Eclipse edition auction, and were nice enough to agree to me posting it. It takes place at the same time as the first chapter of The Night Before.**

**Thanks to my beta Red Summer and to LJ Summers for coming up with the title.**

**As always, I own nothing except for the plot.**

**The Night When**

**EPOV**

What was I doing?

I really was tempting fate being here, but I couldn't control the urge I felt to be near her. I had to make sure that she was alright, that the doctors at the hospital hadn't missed anything when they had examined her earlier. I was glad that Carlisle had been the one to treat her; I don't think I would have trusted any of the humans to accurately assess her. Concussion was a tricky thing to diagnose at the best of times.

This was what I was telling myself anyway.

I had left our house at a run, eager to get away from the tense atmosphere. Rosalie was furious at me – although that wasn't much of a change from her usual indifference and scorn. This time though she had lambasted me both verbally and mentally, screeching about how I had risked everything the family had built, just for the sake of some girl.

What had irritated her even more was that I didn't even have a good explanation for why I had done it. In the split second that I had thrown myself across the parking lot and in front of the truck, I had nearly ruined everything for my family for no good reason. Alice had remarked that I hadn't even made a conscious decision, that I had just reacted instinctively. For some reason, this had made her inordinately pleased, although she made sure to barricade her thoughts from me so I couldn't find out why.

It was nice to have at least one member of my family on my side, arguing for me. I had mostly just sat there at the obsolete dining table, while everyone talked over me; they all had an opinion on what I had done and what I should have done, and they all were happy to voice them...loudly.

I had hastily composed a defence to satisfy them: if the girl had been injured and her blood had spilled free in that lot, then I would have been unable to contain myself and would have revealed our family's secret to the whole school, and not just one person.

Carlisle and Esme were cautiously optimistic about it all – upset that I had potentially exposed our family, but happy that the Swan girl hadn't come to any harm. They were both quite fond of her father, and were glad that he hadn't had to experience the loss of his daughter.

Jasper and Emmett hadn't cared either way, although my older brother had suggested that if the family felt that there really was a risk to us in the human knowing, we could always eliminate that risk. Alice had been quick to quash her mate's idea, no doubt reading me attacking him for the suggestion in both of our futures.

So we were at an impasse then, with no clear decisions about what to be done made. Apart from that we would wait. We would wait and we would make our decisions based on what happened next.

With that resolved, I had immediately left to go hunting, unwilling to stick around for any more accusations and needing to feed before I was faced with that delicious scent again. Two mountain lions later and I realised that I had strayed dangerously close to town, the flash of headlights from the main road startlingly close.

The lure of people drew me in unconsciously; my feet running parallel to the tarmac before I had realised that I was moving. As I drew closer towards the first street of houses, the voices hit me.

I would never understand the human desire to be awake at all times. Half the people in these houses were still treading the floorboards, trying to keep their eyes from fluttering shut in exhaustion. The other half were...

Urgh. Shaking my head to get that particular mental image out of my head, I sprinted away from the house that it came from. Some of the thoughts and actions of humans repulsed me; I didn't want or need to see anything like that in my head.

I normally didn't mind people thinking about sex – it was a fact of life, everybody did it and everybody thought about it – but I would infinitely prefer it if some of them kept their depraved thoughts to themselves. Some of the things I unwittingly saw truly disturbed me – something that was very difficult to do.

I was still heading through town, winding quickly through the streets. I wasn't running anymore. I was too exposed and I didn't want to get caught by one of townspeople still awake. I had already done enough damage today, I didn't need to cause any more.

Those good intentions flew out of my head though the second my nose caught a glorious scent from a house two streets away. I immediately moved in that direction – down the streets, towards the house, up the walls.

Then there I was. In Isabella Swan's room. Watching her sleep.

Why was this a good idea again?

I shouldn't be here. I knew I shouldn't be here. I couldn't make myself leave.

So I stood firmly in the corner of her bedroom, staring down at her, trying not to breathe.

She had been so passionate in the hospital, so determined to make me admit what I was, to tell her how I had saved her. I had promised after all, but when it came down to it I couldn't let her know, I couldn't tell her the truth.

But I wanted to. Only God, and possibly Alice, knew how close I came to just confessing all to her. There was something about her that just made me want to spill out all my secrets and tell her everything.

But I couldn't, so I had settled for anger and annoyance.

I had reacted defensively, taking my fury at myself and my thoughtless actions out on her.

_I hope you enjoy disappointment_.

I had pushed her away at the hospital. I needed her to stay away from me; I wasn't sure that I could do the same.

In fact, given my current surroundings, I'd say I was incapable of staying away from her. It was an uncomfortable realization.

"No."

The whimper came from the direction of the bed and I froze, keeping unnaturally still, every muscle in my body tensed, ready to fly out the window the second it looked like Bella was waking up. Whimpering slightly, she wriggled around in her sleep, fighting with the covers that surrounded her. I swallowed back a mouthful of venom as her movements exposed a sliver of skin between her top and her sweatpants.

And suddenly my body was alive in ways that it had never been before.

Her blood was still tempting - dear God, it was so tempting - but my desire to drain her of that precious fluid was now being replaced by another temptation. If I could have blushed, I would have. I shifted awkwardly as the pressure in my jeans became uncomfortable.

_I shouldn't be here_.

The thought endlessly repeated through my head, drilling into my consciousness the wrongness of my actions, but my feet stayed glued to the floor and my eyes stayed glued to Bella. I was utterly transfixed.

I couldn't understand the attraction this girl held for me. She was dangerous. She beckoned me towards her completely unknowingly; her shy smiles and blushes hid a steely determination that appealed to my more dominant side, making me want to possess her.

A second later, she spoke in her sleep again. "No...Edward..."

The sound of my name coming from her lips provoked a primal reaction in me. A low growl built up in my chest, my erection hardened even further, if that was possible, and I fought the urge to attack and just pound into her.

My hands clenched into fists and my entire body shook with the force I was exerting to stop myself from going over to the girl in question. I sent a silent prayer of thanks up to Carlisle for his dedication in developing my control over my instincts.

She was writhing around on her bed now, her dreams obviously becoming more animated. I gritted my teeth together. Her increased movements sped up the rate of her heartbeat and I was held spellbound by the sight of her pulse thrumming through the carotid artery in her neck.

My sight was blocked though when she tossed her head to one side, her hand coming up to rest on her pillow, clutching at the material before releasing it. Her breathing became heavier, her chest rose up and down. Her human reaction to stimulus was incredible. I watched as a tiny bead of perspiration slid down from her neck, between her breasts, and was eventually hidden under the fabric of her shirt.

My tongue snaked out to lick my lips. I wanted to press it against her hot skin. I closed my eyes in an effort to try and regain control and there was that thought again.

_I shouldn't be here_.

I heard Bella shudder once, and then twice, before her body stilled, and I opened my eyes to watch her once more.

Only to find that hers were open too. She was awake.

That should have been my indication to get out of there. With vampire speed it would be easy enough to throw myself out of the window before the haze of sleep left Bella and she noticed my presence.

I didn't move.

Maybe it was my stillness that alerted her, but a second later her head whipped round and she was looking at me, her mouth hanging slightly open in shock. Her body overbalanced slightly at the sharp movement, but her hand shot out to steady herself on the mattress before I could get across the room and stop her from tipping sideways off of the bed.

She watched me carefully, the look of shock on her face had been replaced by a tiny smile that flirted around the corners of her lips. She looked...pleased...to see me standing there, and again I cursed my inability to read her mind. I desperately wanted to know what she was thinking. Was she terrified that I was in her room in the middle of the night? Was she happy? And if so, why was she happy? What had I done by being here to make her happy?

My hands tightened again as Bella's eyes seemed to take a wandering trip down my body. I'd seen that sort of look before on other girls, the one that said that my vampiric attractions were still very much in evidence, the one that I normally turned away from with a huff, appalled by the masculine habits that ladies of today had picked up over the years.

I wasn't disgusted this time though. I wanted Bella to look at me; I wanted her to like my appearance. I wanted her approval, because I knew that if I had it, it would mean so much more than that of all the other girls I had known. Bella always seemed more like she wanted to get to know me, rather than wanted to parade me around on her arm like a trophy.

It was interesting...and, if I wanted to admit it to myself, very flattering.

As her eyes tripped down towards my jeans, she blushed and I felt myself stir. I was suddenly inordinately pleased that my t-shirt hung fairly low and covered my body's reaction to her.

Bella looked up, and all of a sudden I felt drawn in, captured by her stare. Some of my control began to waver and my desperation at the situation began to cross my face. I wanted her to want me for me. I wanted her to talk to me like she had in class today. I wanted to confess all to her, to tell her what I was and why I had had to keep it a secret from her.

Beyond all that though, I just plain wanted her, in ways I had no right to want.

And that was the problem and would always be the problem. I had no right to Bella. She wasn't mine to have. If I had just been human then maybe I could have had her, maybe I could have thought of her in the same way that other boys, like Mike Newton, did.

But I wasn't human, and so she would never be mine. No matter how much I wanted her.

We continued to stare at each other. Bella leaned forward minutely.

And then launched herself at me.

Taking me completely by surprise – something that didn't happen too often in this lifetime – she grabbed the front of my t-shirt and dragged me towards her. I was too shocked to even think about resisting.

As I moved spellbound towards her, her hands slid up my neck and cupped my face gently before creeping into my hair. She was warm, so warm. Her fingers scorched my skin and I nearly purred at the sensation.

My face moved closer to hers and then our lips met.

It wasn't the hesitant, slow kiss that I had always imagined. I had thought I'd be shy and tentative the first time I kissed someone, my inexperience making me clumsy. I had heard enough jokes from both of my brothers about my celibacy over the years, to shred my nerves to pieces about any success I may have with women. Hell, they hadn't even considered the fact that I might have saved Bella because I was attracted to her; the idea was completely alien to them that I might actually like someone.

Bella's passion, however, hit me like a wrecking ball and there was nothing I could do but meet it. Giving as much as I took and forcing her lips to mould around mine.

She shuddered and then her body went limp and she fell backwards, her hands still gripping my hair, tugging me down with her. We continued to kiss as we fell; I didn't want to stop touching her if I could help it. I shot my arm out to brace myself though, not wanting to crush her with my full body weight. She was human, and, as evidenced earlier, so fragile, so very easily damaged. I didn't want to hurt her.

Bella, it seemed, had other plans. Wrapping her arms tightly around my head and pressing her face even closer to mine, she yanked me down even further, so I was now pressed against her from head to toe. Her chest was heaving against mine and the seventeen-year-old boy in me was enthralled by the sensation of her breasts being crushed against my body. I felt a rumbling begin deep inside me and had to fight back the animal instincts that wanted to roar out my conquest.

As we kissed, I felt her smile against my mouth in triumph that she had got her own way. Her delight and her display of want fuelled my own actions and I began to blindly tug at the covers of her bed, tossing them aside and detangling her legs.

I could just imagine those legs, wrapped around me and...

I broke the kiss, struggling to regain some control. I gasped in unneeded air to help my restraint, pressing my forehead against Bella's as I did. Her breathing was as wild as mine, and her heart pounded against me.

Our position was strangely intimate and I couldn't resist the urge to get even closer.

She whimpered as I captured her lips again and I couldn't stop the groan that emerged in reply, or the growl that followed. I shifted slightly to the side so I was directly on top of her, loving the feel of her underneath me.

My hand finally took on a life of its own, grasping the heated skin of Bella's hip and sliding around to grip her ass, moulding around the soft flesh and pressing her harder into me. If I could have sunk into her in that moment I think I would have.

She was so warm around me and I slid one hand around her back, between the delicate blades of her shoulders. The other crept down to slide over her thigh, rubbing rhythmically. My fingers grasped at her reflexively. I needed to touch her everywhere.

Her hands were still in my hair, only now she was pulling at it, leaving a tingling sensation in my scalp. Her lips were beginning to warm my own until I could barely tell the difference in temperature between us.

Suddenly, Bella's breath caught in her throat and the realization that she had to breathe, that it was a necessity and not just a luxury for her, hit me. I didn't take my mouth off of her though, choosing instead to work my way across her jaw and kiss and suck on her earlobe, drawing the skin into my mouth. Her taste was thick on my tongue and I tucked my teeth behind my lips so I wouldn't bite down.

Bella seemed to like that. Her hands left my hair, arms locking around my neck instead, holding me to her, and she threw her head back, giving me greater access to her jaw and neck.

It was any vampire's dream – a willing victim.

I intensified my actions, hooking her legs over my hips so she was cradling me between her thighs and moving my searching lips down her towards that throbbing pulse. Her warmth surrounded me and I felt like her heat had the power to melt the ice surrounding my poor frozen heart.

Bella's hips jerked upwards, brushing against my erection...and we both froze.

In that moment it was like the world rushed in. I was no longer lost in the burning flames of Bella's body, no longer held entranced by the fast pulse of her blood through her veins, pushing that incredible scent through every inch of skin I touched.

I knew she could feel me pressed against her; I could smell her nervousness. Surprisingly, I wasn't feeling nervous at all; I was quite happy exactly where I was, with the wetness of her core beginning to seep through the fabric that separated us. If only our clothes weren't in the way, then I could just...

Something was wrong with Bella and I forced myself to raise up off of her to gain some clarity. When we were so close together the bloodlust, and just plain lust, took over and I couldn't pay attention to anything else.

Her chest wasn't rising, that was it. Her heart was still pounding, faster than before, but there was no air going in and out of her lungs. My ardour was effectively quashed by my concern and rising panic. Why wasn't she breathing?

"Bella, breathe," I pleaded, unsure whether I should start to administer CPR. I didn't want to if I could help it, I was afraid of crushing her ribs into tiny pieces and puncturing the lungs I was trying to get working.

As if she was just waiting for my command, she inhaled sharply, nearly choking on the air she took in. She looked stunned to see me above her, whereas not two minutes ago, she had been writhing happily underneath me.

This was a bad idea. The situation had gotten out of control and I should stop this now. Hell, Bella didn't even know what I was, and I knew that I would never be able to have a relationship with her and keep my true identity a secret at the same time. It wouldn't be fair to her.

It wasn't fair to me either, but I had long since come to terms with my being a vampire and complaining about it now wouldn't hurt anything.

"Bella, this isn't right, we should stop."

I cursed the words even as they left my mouth, but I couldn't deny their truth. We should stop. This had to end.

Bella looked confused, her eyes frantically searching mine, and I wondered briefly if she had seen anything unnatural in them. She studied my face carefully before a look of determination crossed her face and she craned her neck upwards, her mouth aiming for mine once more.

I panicked. If we started this once more I wasn't sure that I would be able to stop again.

She got closer; her eyes fluttering shut.

No no no no no! I couldn't do this. I wouldn't do this!

For once, I deliberately used my inhuman speed in Bella's presence, throwing myself off of her body and retreating to the end of the bed where I could think clearly.

This was wrong, everything about it was wrong.

It wasn't just the vampire thing either. I should not have been intruding into a lady's bedroom while she slept. I shouldn't have practically assaulted her in her bed. I shouldn't have allowed myself to lie with her, to wrap her legs around my waist, to grind my erection into her centre.

I shuddered at the memory of the last one.

I had nothing to offer Bella – not humanity, not life and certainly not marriage. I was taking liberties that I had no right to. If my mother had still been alive she would have been horrified at my behaviour and my disgrace.

This had to stop. Now.

Bella was watching me warily, raising herself into a sitting position so slowly, as if she thought any sudden movements on her part might spook me, like a wild animal. I inwardly laughed at the thought. She was more intelligent than I had estimated; if she had lunged at me like before then I probably would have been scared away.

"Edward..." My name sounded positively sultry coming from her lips and I winced at the sound, forcing myself to stay where I was and not move towards her.

My hand ran through my hair automatically in frustration as I re-convinced myself of my reasons to stay away from her. She curled her legs underneath her, ready to raise her body further upwards. I needed to stop her before she got to me.

"Bella, we..."

I couldn't say it, couldn't make myself tell her to stay away from me. She continued to creep forwards towards me and I threw my hand up abruptly to stop her from getting any closer.

Gathering up every smidgen of willpower I had honed over the last century, I forced the words out of my throat where they were stuck.

"We can't do this."

Bella stopped moving towards me and I should have been relieved, but instead I was disappointed. How could I tell her to stay away, when I wanted her to come closer, so much closer? She sat back on her heels and looked down.

Then I saw the glistening in her eyes and smelt the tears as they began to brim. She was crying. She was crying because I was rejecting her. It was heartbreaking.

My own eyes began to dry out and I knew that if I could still cry, I would be right there weeping alongside her. I had to remain firm though.

"Bella, I..." I hesitated, trying to keep my composure in front of her. "Bella, we can't do this... It wouldn't be right. There are things you don't know about me..." I tried to explain.

I only succeeded in riling her up though. Her head shot up and she glared at me through the tears streaming down her face. "Only because you won't tell me! I asked and you laughed in my face. I came to Forks and then you glared at me, and then biology... and the mitosis quiz... and the questions about my life... you actually seemed like a decent guy."

My sins were many and I listened to her list them all and accepted her rebuke. My behaviour really had been reprehensible; I had been jerking the poor girl back and forth without thought, based on whether my desire for her blood had flared or not.

Bella wasn't finished though. "Then one tiny accident later..."

I scoffed at that. "I wouldn't call nearly being crushed by a van a tiny accident."

She ignored me. "...and you suddenly decide 'no more!' And you yelled at me, and now you're in my room, and we were just..." She waved her arm wildly in lieu of the words and I felt a strange kinship with her and her ability to vocalise what we had just been doing.

Her defiance ended as quickly as it had begun and she was left looking tired and defeated. "I just... Don't you want me?" Her voice was small and I detected a note of bewilderment about it. She was just as confused as I was and that helped to settle my nerves somewhat, even though I still wasn't sure if there was anything I could say to make this any better.

I groaned in frustration. "Bella, of course I want..."

My explanation was cut off when Bella suddenly threw herself at me. I didn't have it in me to resist anymore, my restraint had been beaten into submission and was now nowhere to be found.

I gave in.

God, it felt good.

She pushed frantically at my chest and I allowed myself to roll backwards smoothly, settling her on top of me.

Any gentleness that was apparent before was now gone. Our lips tore at each other, the taste of Bella fuelling my need for her. Her nails dug into my chest in a way that would have hurt if I had been human. As it was, the slight scratches against my sensitive skin only increased my desire and my hands grabbed her hips once more, this time forcibly shifting her lower body against mine. The friction between us was delicious.

I still wanted more though. I wanted to feel her pressed against me with nothing separating us.

My impatience made me hasty. I gently pushed her backwards and shredded my shirt. I took more care with Bella's top, sliding it up over her head and discarded it onto the floor. I didn't look down - there would be plenty of time for that later. Instead I reclaimed her mouth with my own, my hands sliding up the smooth expanse of her back.

The feel of her chest pressed up against mine was just...wonderful.

I just couldn't get over the scorching heat her body produced and how it managed to warm mine through our contact. The area where we were connected appeared to be tingling pleasantly. I could almost pretend I was alive again.

Bella threw her head back and I nearly protested before realising that she was fighting for breath once more. Not wanting to start an argument again, I turned my attention to more pleasant pursuits.

The angle of her head had left her throat temptingly exposed and I immediately attached myself to it, swallowing back the venom that threatened to spill out of my mouth. Her pulse points called to me and I focused the greatest amount of attention on them, kissing and sucking and worrying at them, all the while fighting not to bite down.

My inner demons were both helpful and selfish. They didn't want Bella dead or turned either, but that was only because they were willing to take her body in exchange.

As if that thought had spurred me on, my hands took on a life of their own, sliding carefully up the bare sides of her body before reaching up to cup her breasts. She moaned and shuddered at the contact, whining in the back of her throat when one of my thumbs inadvertently brushed against her nipple. Her reaction fascinated me and I repeated the action over the swollen nub just to see her let out a throaty moan and toss her head back again.

The taste of her was incredible and I wasn't prepared to leave the expanse of bare skin that I had just revealed just to my hands. I moved down her neck and licked along her collarbone, noting in the back of my mind that it felt too delicate underneath me. The care I was taking was excruciating, considering that I just wanted to throw Bella down and fuck her, but I forced myself to take measured movements. I had to give her pleasure in this experience – I _needed_ to give her pleasure – to make up for the inevitable moment of pain that I knew I would be forced to cause her if we were to continue.

And God did I want to continue.

Sliding a hand under her ass, I lifted her up my body so her chest was level with my mouth. Drawing on my memories of every sexual encounter and piece of knowledge that I'd gleaned from the thoughts of others over the years, I kissed gently all around the soft flesh of one, making sure that I kept up manual stimulation on the other. When I reached her nipple, I sucked it into my mouth, keeping up a light pulling sensation and fighting the urge to bite down. I curled my lips over my teeth to stop myself from tearing into that sensitive skin, letting that precious blood run free and allowing myself to feed from this forbidden area. Just the thought of my bite mark over her breast helped ramp up my lust and as if she was perfectly in tune with me, I smelt Bella's arousal increase, the muscles of her thighs and lower stomach twitching imperceptibly.

I thought I was doing quite well when, without any warning, Bella pulled herself away from my mouth. I growled in protest at her detachment, then groaned when she shuffled herself up my body, so that our centres met and her legs fell to either side of my hips.

I couldn't help the growling now; I wasn't even bothering to hide it anymore. She began to grind against me which spurred me on, the animalistic sounds emanating from me only seemed to encourage her and she continued to writhe above me with more vigour, her mouth parted as she whimpered and groaned at the sensations being caused, her eyes half-closed and dazed.

Her hips rocked against my erection without rhythm and I grunted as the pressure on my dick was heightened and then taken away again. I began to crave the forward movement, thrusting upwards minutely to increase the pleasure that was building.

She looked like an angel above me. Her hair was tangled and wild around her face, so long that it partially covered her breasts from my sight. Her grinding stirred the strands, revealing brief glimpses of her nipples as she moved. I licked my lips, relishing the brief taste of them that I had had.

Bella sat up abruptly, sliding her hands down from my shoulders and practically burning a path down my chest with her hot fingers. I closed my eyes briefly to revel in the sensation as her hands slid along the waistband of my jeans, tickling the suddenly sensitive skin.

Suddenly, her hands shot to the top of my fly and I froze, my hands coming down to grasp her wrists, stopping her from undoing my pants.

The lustful haze I had been operating under lifted, and I suddenly became aware of what was happening. Before, I could've just passed everything off as foreplay or experimentation, but if I let Bella undo my jeans then this became real – we were really going to do this. Was she really ready for what this meant? Was I?

I wasn't the prude that my brothers often told me I was, but I did have a healthy respect for what sexual intimacy should mean. I had held firm to my belief, no matter how old–fashioned, that sex was something that happened after marriage between two people who loved each other. It was the reason why I had never given in to Tanya's advances, and she respected my views, although she didn't understand them herself.

Bella didn't know about any of this and yet I was prepared to throw away all of my long-held morals for her. I couldn't understand what made her so different. I certainly didn't love her, although I could admit that she fascinated me and I cared for her; risking my family's secret to save her had proved that.

It had been a shocking occurrence though. Was either of us thinking clearly in this matter? I had to make sure, for my peace of mind as much as hers.

Bella was whimpering softly, continuing to circle her hips against my erection. Her fingers twitched against my stomach and I looked down to see her wrists strained against my grip. She was completely oblivious to the harm she could cause herself.

"Bella, maybe we should..."

"Edward," she interrupted me, her voice straining with impatience. Her eyes closed briefly and she shook her head from side to side. "Edward, please. I _need_ this." Her eyes were imploring me to listen to her.

The look on her face and her rhythmic grinding against me was pushing at the very edges of my self-control.

I glanced down at her hands again, those fingers _so_ close to me. I wanted them even closer, but I didn't know whether I _should_ want them closer. It was the look on her face which sealed it for me though; she looked so uncertain, yet there was an edge to her expression. As I watched, desperation and need coloured her face as well.

My breathing sped up as my mind rifled through all of the consequences of what would happen if I said yes to Bella. I was so close to throwing caution to the wind and giving in.

Bella's fingers twitched again and this time I felt her nails brush against the sensitive skin of my stomach. Clenching my teeth, I acquiesced and nodded, releasing Bella's wrists.

As soon as she was free, her hands eagerly grasped the buttons of my jeans, sliding them quickly and eagerly through the holes. My own fingers chose to mirror hers, running along the inside of the sweatpants she wore, skimming my cold hands along the hot skin of her stomach.

She let out a satisfied sigh when she undid the last button and I almost sighed myself with the relief that undoing my pants brought - my cock no longer felt like it was being strangled. She had undone my pants, now it was my turn to get rid of hers. I couldn't do it from this angle though.

Grabbing her hips, I rolled our bodies so that she was beneath me, revelling in the gasp of surprise from Bella as she suddenly found herself on her back. The sight of her beneath me spoke to something primal within me and my inhibitions disappeared. Grasping her waistband, I yanked it down without finesse, only stopping when the material got tangled up around her ankles.

As I leaned down to capture those luscious looking lips once more, I felt her feet kicking her pants off of her legs. She kissed me back enthusiastically while tugging on my jeans and with one last regretful kiss, I sat up backwards and practically tore my jeans off, throwing them somewhere into the room. As long as they weren't on me anymore, I didn't care where they went.

Then I looked down at Bella, lying before me with only her underwear on.

_So fucking beautiful_.

I couldn't believe she had allowed me to see her like this, so vulnerable and exposed. She was thin, but her body still managed to maintain soft, womanly curves in all the right places. She was pale, almost as pale as we were, yet that seemed to lend an almost statuesque grace to her body. Her legs were surprisingly long and lithe and as I began to catalogue every detail of the sight before me into my memory, they shifted slightly underneath me, brushing against my own bare legs.

As I watched Bella, she watched me back boldly, only looking down and blushing when she saw my attention trail over her thighs and come to rest over the only covered area of her body. We were going to have to lose the panties...and soon.

For now though, I was content to admire the pink flush that adorned her cheeks and then spread down over her chest, giving an appetizing rosy tint to her breasts. As if she knew where my attention now was, she began to raise her arms to hide from my gaze.

I growled at her. I didn't even realise I had done it until she lowered her arms once more, back to her sides. Her obedience pleased me, satisfied the devil on my shoulder, and I couldn't help but smirk as she lay uncovered before me once more.

Bella seemed to begin her own appraisal of my body as I continued to study the freckles that were sprinkled over her skin. I wasn't too worried about whether she would find me attractive. I knew enough to understand that I was favourably comparable to other males of my age, and vampiric attractiveness only seemed to enhance that. I also knew from years of high school locker rooms that I also could be compared favourably in other ways too.

I wasn't entirely sure if that was a vampire thing or if I had come that way in my human body. I wasn't about to complain though, especially with Bella running her eyes down my body as if I was something to eat.

Her gaze slid over my abs and down to my groin, and I hardened even further at the increased attention. The lust was plain on her face. Her eyes wandered further down until she suddenly snapped them shut.

I laughed at her sudden shyness, inexplicably pleased at her display of innocence.

In turn, Bella frowned, glaring at me from underneath her lashes. I could almost hear the argument she was having with herself, practically feel the desire within her to wipe the smile off my face.

Shaking with nerves, she reached out and did just that, gripping my cock firmly in her hand and stealing the breath out of my lungs. I groaned as her fingers squeezed me, relief like I had never known surging through my body. My eyes shut inadvertently and my head dropped back as I gave myself over to her.

She began to run her hand over me, up and down, slowly at first, but later with more certainty. Pleasure was running through me now, all directly linked to her hand, and I had to hold myself back from thrusting with abandon into the source the stimulation. I managed to rein in my enthusiasm, but couldn't resist rocking my hips gently in and out of the soft warmth of her palm.

My teeth desperately wanted to bite down on something and I compromised by snuffling my face into Bella's hair at her shoulder, inhaling her scent and grounding me in the present. My hips continued to move against her hand and my own hands began to trace down her sides, eager to return the favour.

My fingers were temporarily halted in their path by her panties and I growled again at the barrier keeping me from the warmth I could feel emanating from her centre. Removing them would have taken too much time, so I ripped the fabric off of her and tossed it aside, grateful that she didn't appear to notice or question my actions. It wouldn't do to start destroying all of her clothes.

I propped myself up on one elbow to avoid crushing her and slid my fingers into her slick warmth. She was so wet, her arousal coated my fingers thickly, and I easily slid my middle finger downwards and curved it to glide inside of her body.

If I had revelled in the warmth of her body before, it was nothing compared to the searing heat that scorched me inside her. She cried out at the intrusion and for a half-second I froze, worried that I had hurt her.

That fear was abated when she reached up to grasp the back of my neck, holding me to her. I was more than willing to oblige; I didn't want to go anywhere.

I began to thrust my finger in and out, stopping when I felt the barrier which prevented me from going any further. It wasn't that I had any qualms left about what we were doing, but I preferred to take her virginity the old-fashioned way.

Making small noises in the back of her throat, Bella began to move against me, encouraging my actions and when she appeared to be comfortable with one finger inside her, I added another, stretching her slightly so she'd be more comfortable later. Again she greeted the addition with marked enthusiasm and it was in that moment that I decided that I wanted to see her shatter before me.

Swivelling my fingers around, I curled my hand so that my thumb settled over her clit. She gasped at the new feeling and I began to lightly rub my thumb over that spot.

She went absolutely wild.

Thrusting her hips forward violently onto my hand, her legs suddenly snapped around my hips. Our lower bodies would have been perfectly aligned if my hand hadn't been in the way. Bella was panting heavily now, small cries of pleasure erupting from her mouth, her inner muscles clenching rhythmically against my fingers. I doubled my efforts, praying that she tipped over the edge soon before my good intentions left me and I thrust myself into her.

Her hands seemed to spasm, clawing at my chest and the mattress feebly before her body tensed and her eyes slammed shut as she tossed her head back. The fluttering around my fingers grew stronger and she let out a low whine.

As pleased as I was with myself for making her come, I grew slightly worried when she didn't let out the deep breath that she had taken, her chest remaining still. Removing my fingers from inside her, I hovered over her anxiously.

"Bella?"

She didn't reply. I started to panic.

"Bella? Can you hear me? You need to breathe, Bella. Bella, you need to breathe, love...open your eyes, Bella." I was getting desperate. "Bella, please..."

Luckily at that moment, she sucked in a deep breath, her eyes blinking sleepily up at me. The tightness that had built up in my chest disappeared as relief swept through me. She grinned up at me, a certain pleased smugness now present in her expression and I smiled back at her.

As she wriggled, her centre brushed against my weeping cock. I hadn't realised that we were so perfectly positioned. I leaned forward and waited, willing her to tell me that this was alright, that I could push myself into her.

She nodded.

And my hips thrust forward, sheathing my dick inside her.

It was heavenly. _She_ was heavenly.

I had never thought...

Bella was squirming underneath me, small moans and whimpers leaving her lips, and I withdrew before pushing into her again.

I had never known, never even thought about what I had been missing.

This was... This was... If I could stay like this forever, I would be truly happy.

Staying still wasn't an option though; it would've been too unbearable. I had to move.

As I continued to thrust into Bella, her heels pressing into my sides, my movements becoming faster and harder, I could feel my control beginning to slip and raised my hands up to brace against the headboard. The last thing I wanted to do was grab Bella in the heat of the moment and crush her fragile body.

Bella's orgasm hit and she wailed my name as she came. It sent me hurtling into mine, groaning loudly as she clenched down tightly around me. I felt the wood of the headboard crumble around my hands and felt grateful that I'd had the foresight not to let go whilst holding onto her body.

Utterly spent, my body collapsed onto hers, my head falling heavily down to rest against her shoulder. I had to force myself to unclench the muscles in my arms and prop myself up on my elbows, lifting some of my weight off of Bella.

She was breathing heavily, a fact I noted with pleasure. I was content to steal her breath away as long as she didn't stop inhaling completely. Her legs fell limply to the side of mine, no longer clamped to my sides and her hands idly wandered up and down my back, lulling me gently back down to reality. I pressed a light kiss against her collarbone, grateful for the gift she had given me and the comfort she now offered.

She deserved to know just how amazing she was, deserved to know just how thankful I was that she could accept me so completely despite my faults and failings.

She was a goddess.

She had to know. I had to tell her.

I raised myself up so I could look into her eyes. She seemed utterly content.

"Bella, that was..." I didn't have the words. The only thing I could do was kiss her and hope that she would be able to discern my feelings through my actions. Brushing my fingers lightly against her cheek, I tried again. "Thank you so much."

It was thanks, however inadequately expressed, but it was the best I could do, short of kissing her again. Those lips could easily become addictive. As I bent down to capture them again, she flinched. It was such a small movement that I doubt a human would have noticed it, but to me it was a sign that all my fears had come true.

I had hurt her. The only question now, was how badly?

"Oh god, Bella I'm so sorry... I hurt you... Are you in much pain?" I needed her to tell me, I needed to know how much pain she was in. Oh god! Should I call Carlisle? Did I need to take her to the hospital? "Bella, please forgive me... I didn't mean to... I knew we shouldn't have done this. Please forgive me?"

Bella grasped my face and I thought I saw her roll her eyes at me. Did she think I was overreacting? Was I overreacting?

All of a sudden she jerked away and stared at my face, her eyes darting over every detail, a small frown line appearing between her brows. She seemed to be waiting for something, although I couldn't work out what exactly.

Understanding and horror began to cross her face.

"It was all real."

She fainted, going limp in my arms and looking eerily still to me.

I didn't know what to do. I mean, I knew that she had had a shock and the best thing I could do was let her mind work through it so she could wake up with the least amount of trauma. I just couldn't work out what the trauma was.

I couldn't stay like this though.

Detaching myself from her, I stumbled across the unfamiliar bedroom and grabbed my jeans, pulling them on. Once I was half dressed and felt slightly more composed now that I was covered, I made my way back over to Bella.

She looked incredibly vulnerable lying there uncovered and naked and I realised that I didn't like her to look so defenceless. A quick scout of the room revealed her tiny top and pants and I quickly dressed her, covering up the curves I had delighted in revealing and trying hard not to look to closely at her body. It was one thing to admire her when she was awake, but another thing entirely to look upon her in the same way while she was unconscious.

I felt better once she was dressed and I pressed my palm gently against her upper chest, just to check that her heart was still beating against her skin, just to check that she was still breathing as she ought to be. Once I was satisfied, I drew up her covers and tucked her into bed, brushing her lose hair back from her face. She looked peaceful, not at all like something has just stressed her out enough to cause her to faint.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, I took her hand. It felt curiously intimate compared to what we had just done.

I had sex with Bella Swan.

She had given herself to me. I had gone to her, mind in turmoil. I had saved her life; I had cared for her more than was sensible. And I still did.

She was so very important, and I had yet to understand why that was.

What was more troubling than that was that Bella had clearly been distressed at the end of our love-making.

_It was real_. That's what she had said. Implying what, that she thought it hadn't been real?

What would it be if it wasn't real?

She had wanted this. She was the one who had dragged me to her, although I really hadn't resisted, and had argued vehemently for what we had done. I had asked her several times if she was sure it was what she wanted and she had almost demanded my compliance. God, that begging look in her eyes...

She had wanted it, of that I was certain. Her words and her body couldn't lie that well.

She made a small noise and wriggled about restlessly for a minute. I stroked my thumb over the back of her hand she seemed to quieten. She looked so peaceful now, not at all as agitated as she had been earlier when I had entered the room and she had been moving around restlessly in her...

Sleep. _In her sleep_.

I had disturbed her while she was sleeping, whilst she was dreaming.

I dropped her hand abruptly and stood up, backing away from the bed with dawning horror.

That was what she meant. That was what she had said. _It was all real_.

Bella had thought she was asleep, Bella had thought she was dreaming.

I had been so amazed by her surety, by her assurances, by her complete lack of inhibitions; I had never thought that she only acted that way because she had believed that there would be no consequences to her actions. Bella believed that she had been dreaming. Bella hadn't thought that what we were doing was actually happening.

She hadn't believed that it was real. She had thought that she was asleep.

I had raped her.

She hadn't believed herself fully conscious and I had had sex with her. I hadn't saved Bella; I had attacked her. I had stolen her virginity and taken possession of her without her full consent.

Carlisle had always assured me that it was not what we were that defined us, but what we did.

I had raped Bella. I had raped her and I had enjoyed it.

I felt sickened by my actions. I had become exactly what I had feared.

A monster. Only a monster could have done what I did.

A shuffling came from the bed and I blinked towards her as she turned over.

"Edward."

It was barely a whisper in her sleep, but it hit me with the force of a battering ram. I shouldn't still be here.

Grabbing my shoes and my shirt, I threw myself out of the window and sprinted through the forest, with only despair in front of me and the hounds of hell snapping at my heels.


	2. The Hell After

**This is the second outtake from The Night Before written for the lovely Amy and Amelia who bought me as part of the FGB. This takes place during the second and third chapters of the story.**

**Big thanks go to my beta, RedSummer.**

**As always, I own nothing.**

**The Hell After**

**EPOV**

I ran.

At some point I shrugged on my shirt and managed to get my feet back into my shoes, but I never stopped running. Distantly, I wondered if a part of me thought that if I ran fast enough I could outrun what I'd done and the mess I'd left behind.

I continued running. Heading north, I crashed through the trees blindly. A glint of light to my left caught my attention and I turned in that direction. The gleam of the moon on the water gave the lake ahead of me an ethereal glow, but I ignored its beauty. Propelling myself off a rock on the bank, my body sliced through the water, drenching my clothes.

I still felt wicked and ashamed of myself though, the cleansing power of the water unable to wipe clean all of my sins.

Breathing out, I allowed the weight of my body to drag me down further until I was resting on the sand at the bottom of the lake. It was quiet here – no-one around, nobody's thoughts to disturb me. It was completely silent. Even the sounds of the birds, the leaves rustling and the wind through the trees were dimmed by the filter of water.

If it weren't for the cacophony of thoughts raging through my head, I would be quite content to remain in this peaceful underwater haven.

One thought wouldn't leave my mind though, no matter how hard I tried to banish it.

_You raped Bella. You forced her to have sex with you. You raped her. You're a rapist._

_You're a monster_.

Endlessly, it repeated over and over, drilling into my consciousness until it was a part of me – inherent knowledge.

I had raped Bella. I was a monster. I couldn't go home.

I pictured my father; Carlisle had been the moral patriarch of our family for over ninety years, he was a good, strong, steady man. I imagined his face when he found out what I'd done – the inevitable disappointment, followed swiftly by disgust as he realised what his son had become.

He was my mentor, the one person I respected and admired the most. He had guided me through this life, showed me the way, helped me to be a better person than I was. I had almost managed to believe that I could one day be as good a man as he was, but in one fell swoop it was all destroyed. I had smashed every conviction he had ever held about me to pieces with one selfish decision.

She'd said _please_. One little word that had turned my head and made me forget my teachings. I had wanted her to say it, wanted her to take the decision out of my hands, and she had - absolutely beautifully.

_Please_.

I should have stood firm and denied her. I knew it was wrong, but I was so weak and she was so tempting.

I'd never believed people who claimed to be enthralled by their lust for another. It seemed like just another excuse to explain away their need to fulfil their carnal desires no matter the consequences to others. I would now never doubt them again.

To hold Bella in my arms, to feel her mouth pressed hot against my skin, to hear those breathy whimpers she made as I thrust into...

Oh yes, I understood it all now. The sins of the flesh certainly had a lot to answer for.

I shuddered at the memories of earlier in the night, and then shuddered again at my enjoyment in remembering. Not only had I committed a vulgar injustice against Bella, but I looked back on it with pleasure, and that was what truly disgusted me about my actions – that I could hurt someone like that, rape them, and like it.

Yes, staying here at the bottom of this lake where no-one could find me seemed like a very good idea.

Only someone could find me, my ears detecting a chattering voice before I registered that it was heading in this direction. In fact, not only was it heading in this direction, but it was specifically seeking me out.

"...honestly, Jasper. Did he have to come all the way into Canada? I've got better things to do than track him across half of North America."

I rolled my eyes. Of course, who else would decide to interrupt my solitude?

I could feel my sister and brother drawing closer, their mental voices growing louder and clearer as they approached, not that Alice was keeping her thoughts to herself.

"...only Edward could screw up like this..."

I froze at that remark. She knew. Of course she knew, Alice always knew. But until now it had never occurred to me that someone had witnessed my indiscretion. If Alice knew, that also meant that Jasper knew as well - the pair had no secrets between them.

Shame prickled along my skin and I slammed my eyes shut as I fought once more to stop the sensory memories of making love to Bella running through my head.

They knew what I had done and now I had no chance of going home.

"Oh, stop being so melodramatic and get up here." They were finally here, on the eastern edge of the lake if I wasn't mistaken.

Alice was busy muttering to herself about how stubborn I was being, ruining her plans for the night – her words a direct mirror of her thoughts. Jasper meanwhile was silent beside her, but I could feel and hear his amusement and bemusement that I had finally had sex with someone, and Bella Swan at that.

"Edward, get your ass out of that lake right now!" my sister demanded imperiously. "I'm not coming in after you."

I smiled at that. Alice wouldn't want to get her clothes dirty and wet; it was far more likely that she would send her long-suffering mate in here instead to drag me out. I had no intention of obliging though, I was going to stay down here and rot away with my sins.

Naturally, my intentions weren't greeted with acceptance and understanding though. Alice was tutting and I could already feel Jasper pushing out waves of annoyance in my direction as my sister turned on him.

"Well, there's nothing for it, he won't come out. You need to go and get him."

There's was silence for a moment and I presumed that they were communicating wordlessly, as they often did. A second later I heard Jasper finally speak.

"No."

Alice immediately began shrieking at him shrilly and I winced in pity at the tongue-lashing he was getting.

_Come on, man. Give up and get out before she tosses me in after you_. Jasper's pleading thoughts came to me just as Alice was threatening that very thing.

I swallowed hard, but nodded, the underwater movement sending nearly indiscernible ripples across the water.

Curling my feet underneath me, I pushed against the bed of the lake, propelling myself upwards. I broke the surface, wincing at the cacophony of sounds that now assaulted my ears after the muted quiet of the lake.

Alice was glaring at me, hands on her hips, green scarf streaming out behind her in the wind. Jasper was uncomfortably scratching the back of his neck, one eyebrow cocked at me.

"Well, it's about time."

Swimming to the edge of the lake, I waded back onto dry land, water streaming down my impermeable skin and dripping off the hems of my clothes. My sister's nose wrinkled up before she tossed a duffel bag at me.

"You can say thank you after you've changed into something less putrid smelling."

She pointed toward a small copse of bushes and I disappeared quickly behind them to change. Thoughtfully, she had also included a towel in the bag, so I didn't get the clean clothes damp. After giving my hair one final scrub with the towel to remove the last of the moisture, I threw it back in the duffel with the rest of my wet clothes. I took several deep breaths to compose myself before I stepped out to face Alice and Jasper once more.

Jasper looked relaxed, reclining against the trunk of a tree, his forearms propped up against his knees. He was curious about what had happened, but unconcerned about what it would mean. Alice, however, was not quite so calm. She paced frantically up and down in front of her mate – in the space of only five minutes, she had managed to wear a track through the soil that she pounded across.

I would've been amused, if I wasn't so worried about what they both thought of me, knowing the truth.

"What the hell were you doing?" Alice had finally noticed me standing there and turned her fury on me.

"I don't know." I spoke slowly, waiting for the rejection from my family that would surely come. "I didn't mean to; I didn't mean to hurt her. I just...wasn't thinking." I chanced a glance upwards to see that Alice had a puzzled look on her face.

"What?"

I rushed to speak, to try and explain myself, before the pair of them disowned me forever. "I didn't know when I went there that what happened would happen. It was completely spontaneous; I don't even remember making the decision consciously. Bella said she was happy to carry on, she said 'don't stop', but she didn't mean it, she couldn't have meant it." I stumbled forward a few steps, trying to wipe the look of wide-eyed confusion off Alice's face. Jasper was shaking his head, his brow furrowed.

Why were they looking at me like that? I would much rather see the disgust splashed across their faces, than these bewildered expressions they were currently sporting.

"Edward," Alice was shaking her head at me, "what are you talking about?"

I frowned at her. "What do you mean? Bella, of course."

She waved a hand nonchalantly. "Well, Jasper and I already know all about that. We don't care about that – personally, I'm more concerned about your plans to disappear and never come back home."

"You don't care about that," I repeated numbly. "What do you mean you don't care about that? Are you really that hooked on the idea of your perfect family to not care that I've destroyed someone's life? Are you that fucking oblivious?" I was yelling now, angry at Alice for her lack of caring. I needed her to care. How was I ever going to redeem myself if everyone was happy to pretend ignorance?

"Hey!" Jasper rose up in protest.

Alice grabbed my arms and shook me lightly. "Edward, I have no idea what you're talking about."

I began to laugh manically, the hysteria finally cracking through the last of my restraint. Jasper flinched as my despair hit him and I saw him visibly contain himself, before he pushed calm towards me. The laughter disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.

"I raped Bella," I said bleakly. Alice gasped, one hand flying up to cover her mouth. "She didn't know what was happening to her and I thought she did, so I didn't stop..." My explanation petered out, the excuses sounding hollow to me.

I shut my eyes. I had said it. They now knew what I had done. I awaited my judgment, my anxiety rising with every moment.

I could hear their thoughts trying to assimilate what I had just said. Their inner voices were a confused jumble of images. Alice took a step towards me; I didn't see the swing she took at me, but the force of it sent me flying backwards, into a tree that unfortunately was unable to withstand the force of my body hitting it.

Rolling out of the way, I lay staring at the sky for a few seconds, before unsteadily making my way up onto my feet. I had expected my family's disgust and disapproval. I had expected them to be angry and to be upset. I had anticipated them disowning me, throwing me out of the family in dismay and disappointment. What I hadn't expected, however, was a physical attack.

Jasper was scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably, while Alice stood in front of me defiantly, hands on her hips, one foot tapping angrily. I lowered my head again.

Jasper coughed. "Edward, do you mind toning down the guilt a bit, it's starting to become overwhelming."

Just another thing I was doing wrong lately. I nodded, trying to get a hold on my emotions, but my mind was in too much turmoil for me to be successful.

"Edward!" Alice snapped. I didn't reply. "Edward!" She tried again, this time louder, and I glanced up. She no longer looked angry; instead her face was scrunched up as if she was going to cry. Jasper had moved forward and was now running one hand up and down her back, comforting her.

"You didn't rape her."

I didn't understand the words – couldn't understand the words. I knew what had happened, I had been there. I had seen the look of shock cross Bella's face before she had fainted. She hadn't wanted it to happen and I had forced myself on top of her. I had raped her.

"Damnit, Edward! You did not rape Bella Swan. Stop thinking like that!"

"But..."

"Edward," this time she attempted to speak more gently. "I saw what happened. I saw her make the decisions – there was no hesitation and no deviation. She was willing, Edward, and you can't rape the willing."

"She thought she was asleep," I spat out.

Jasper unexpectedly burst into hysterics at that, letting go of Alice to wrap his arms around his waist as he tried to stop his mirth from spreading. I braced myself against the happy feelings beginning to relax me and glared at him.

"I'm sorry." He took several minutes to gather himself, one hand raised to explain himself. I couldn't read his thoughts to see what he found so amusing, but all of his focus was on regaining control. "It's just, Edward, if you're doing it right," he shared a look with Alice, "then there's no way she could've mistaken it for being asleep."

I scowled at him. "She didn't believe that it was real."

"She must have. At least on some level of her consciousness, she must have realised it was actually happening. And from what Alice said, she was the one who convinced you to go ahead with it." A mocking smile crossed his face. "I have to say, I never thought I'd see the day when you were finally browbeaten into having sex with someone."

I cringed at hearing him describe the experience so casually, like it didn't matter or mean anything.

"Edward," Alice tried to be more diplomatic, "what we're trying to say is that you didn't do anything wrong. Bella knew, somehow, what she was doing and you can only act according to what she tells you. You can't read her mind, Edward. Who knows what she was thinking?"

"But I hurt her," I protested.

"When did you hurt her, Edward? Cos as much as I hated seeing the whole deal, you looked like you were behaving incredibly carefully with her."

She didn't understand, but I felt tired, too tired to try and argue back.

"Look, Edward, even if you don't believe me about anything else, just believe me when I say that you didn't rape her. I can't believe you even thought that."

Something occurred to me in that moment. "Why are you here then? I thought you had come along to tell me not to return to Forks."

Alice huffed and even Jasper rolled his eyes at me. "Don't be so melodramatic. We followed you for the opposite reason – to make sure you didn't get it in your head to run off again."

Alice stepped forward and rested her hand on my arm, her expression sympathetic. "You need to come home, Edward, to see it all through if nothing else."

"What do you mean?" I couldn't understand – nothing was happening the way I had expected it to – not Bella, not my family's reactions...

"What I mean is that if you're going to leave, you need to come home and let us all know what's going on. What I mean is that Bella, asleep or not, is going to have a lot of questions tomorrow that only you can answer. You're not the only one who will probably be confused about what happened."

I shook my head, unable to talk, to even think of anything to say.

"Just come home with us, Edward." This time it was Jasper who attempted to reason with me. "We need to get back for school anyway, and that includes you, especially after what happened yesterday with the incident with the van. We all have our part to play in keeping our secret; we need you to let us know if anyone suspects what we are."

"I don't..."

"Just come back with us, that's all we're asking."

Alice began to tug lightly at me and I let her guide me back in the direction I had come. She began to pick up her pace and I blindly followed, Jasper beside me, as we began to run back to Forks. I couldn't think straight, unable to reconcile what had happened in my head, but Alice was right. I owed my family an explanation, and I owed Bella Swan an apology.

Then, maybe if I was lucky, I would be forgiven. I could only pray that I would be forgiven.

Alice and Jasper's thoughts immediately turned towards what they were going to say when they got me back home.

"Did you tell anyone?" I stopped in my tracks at the thought and my siblings had to halt and spin around to see what had brought me to a standstill. "What I did, when you saw it...did you tell anyone?"

"No." Alice shook her head. "Only Jasper knows; he was with me when I saw the decisions being made and you take off for Canada. No-one else was in the house or saw us at the time."

"Do you mind not telling anyone?" I asked, knowing that I had no right to make such a request. "I'd like the chance to speak to Bella before the family finds out and Rosalie tries to kill me again." The joke was lame, but both my siblings smiled anyway.

"Of course," Jasper replied. "It's only our business if it compromises the family anyway. Anything else is your own affair."

It felt so good to hear them say that, to know that they wouldn't shun me or cast me aside. Their understanding just showed me what remarkable people they both were.

"Thank you."

We reached the house just as the rest of the family returned from hunting. Luckily, due to my dive in the lake, any trace of Bella's scent was gone, so there were no awkward questions about what I had been up to. Everyone's thoughts merely noted that I must have met up with Alice and Jasper while I was out feeding. Esme's reflections increased my guilt when she was glad that I hadn't had to be alone tonight after the earlier argument at the house.

I showered and dressed ready for school, gathering up the homework I hadn't completed yet and threw it in my bag. I would finish it during first period – Mr Varner had learnt long ago that it was pointless trying to quiz me on math as I would inevitably know the correct answers.

The drive to school was almost painful. Rosalie was still angry at me for saving Bella the day before and Emmett was making wisecracks every five seconds in an effort to diffuse the tension that had fallen over us all. Alice and Jasper thankfully kept quiet, but on several occasions I felt Jasper moderate the emotions in the car to make himself more comfortable. I couldn't begrudge him that; I was no empath, but even my skin was crawling with all the hostility and guilt that surrounded me.

Rosalie was out of the car the second I pulled it into a space in the school parking lot, muttering curses as she stormed off towards the school. Emmett, clearly puzzled by his wife's behaviour, offered me a helpless shrug before jogging to catch up with her.

I got out of the car more slowly, bracing myself for what was to come.

Jasper whispered something in Alice's ear before loping off to class. My sister stayed with me, coming to lean against the car next to me, watching me curiously. I was scanning the lot, trying to spot Bella's ancient truck amongst the vehicles turning into the school. She wasn't there yet. In fact, I wondered if she would even show up at all. She had been injured yesterday after the accident, hitting her head, and then I had been with her...

I swallowed hard. I just needed to check that she was unhurt, that I hadn't completely battered her beyond all recognition in my thoughtlessness.

"Hey." Alice nudged me. "Are you going to be ok?"

"Yeah, I just...I just want to see her, you know?"

"I know." She nodded agreeably. "It makes sense that you want to reassure yourself that she isn't hurt."

I turned to face her. "Does it? Make sense I mean?"

"Of course it does. You feel responsible for her now."

"What? Responsible?" I frowned at Alice.

"Of course. You saved her and now you've slept with her. You feel both responsible for her wellbeing and protective over her. It's only natural."

I recognised what Alice was saying, it made sense to me, it felt right in my bones. It couldn't be allowed.

"It's not natural, Alice. She's human and I should never have gone near her."

"Oh stop that. You know you care about her. If you didn't you wouldn't be stood here now, worrying whether she's alright or not."

I resumed my search for Bella, turning away from Alice, despite that I knew she had yet to arrive. She refused to accept the wordless dismissal though.

"I think you need to speak to Carlisle."

My eyes shot to her. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

Alice shrugged. "He's not going to judge you, Edward, so it won't hurt if you do. But I suppose it's your decision at the end of the day."

"Yes. It is."

"I'll see you later in class then." Alice diplomatically ignored my petulance and my guilt expanded two-fold at the thought that I had snapped at one of the people trying to help me. "Don't worry about it," she reassured me. "I can tell that you're on edge." Grabbing her books, she left me with one last parting comment. "Be gentle with her today, Edward. She's confused and the uncertainty is upsetting her."

I nodded. There really wasn't much else I could say.

It seemed like Bella was feeling much the same way as I was, only at least she was blameless in all of this.

As if my thoughts had drawn her towards me she appeared, surprisingly late for her, with only a few minutes to go before the school bell rang. She didn't get out of the truck when it stopped, which puzzled me; instead she sat frozen in her seat, clinging to the steering wheel.

I drank in her appearance. She was a little bit paler than usual, but I couldn't see any bruises or visible injuries which reassured me slightly. She was taking deep breaths; I could see the steady rise and fall of her chest...

...I could've slapped myself as my mind automatically flew to the memory of Bella's bare chest last night, and how beautiful she looked, like a goddess. Like my goddess.

Suddenly, she was looking at me dead on. A sheen of sweat appeared on her forehead and she gulped nervously. She was looking at me as if she had never seen me before, and – not for the last time – I wished that I could read her mind and tell what she was thinking.

The bell rang shrilly, breaking us out of the deadlock we had been in. Bella scrambled to gather her possessions and practically fell out of her truck as she hurried to get to class on time. I stayed where I was, keeping an eye on her as she crossed the parking lot, sighing in relief when she made it into the building safely, away from the dangers of rogues vehicles.

Maybe Alice was right; maybe I was just a little protective.

...

I listened in carefully during the morning at school. While most of the students were buzzing with the story of Bella's near escape yesterday, none of them seemed to be aware of what had actually happened. When my name was brought up it was only to note that I had been standing next to Bella and pulled her out of the way in time, not that I had sprinted halfway across the parking lot to do so. Bella had kept her promise; she hadn't told anyone.

It was only an overheard comment from Lauren Mallory that made me worry that Bella was not as unharmed as she appeared.

"Honestly, she's so jumpy today and won't answer anyone's questions about the accident. It's just rude really. She's just stalking around ignoring everyone, like she's better than us or something. And have you seen the bags under her eyes? She's acting like the van actually hit her...maybe it should have."

Ignoring Lauren's jealous vitriol, I picked up on the physical details of Bella's appearance. I had noticed her tiredness earlier when she had been sitting in the truck, but that wasn't unanticipated given what we had been up to the night before. What I worried about now was how her nerves were holding up. Had I terrified her so badly that she was now unable to be comfortable in the school?

I could feel my anticipation grow as lunch approached, even though I knew that for the sake of appearances, I wouldn't be able to speak to her there. No, for that I would have to wait until Biology after.

Alice walked with me to the cafeteria, watching me curiously from the corner of her eye. I could hear her interest in how I would behave in front of Bella, interest that she made no effort to block from me.

'_Be careful, Edward. You don't want to cause a scene_.'

I nodded, silently acknowledging Alice's warning and she took my hand, lightly squeezing it before letting go.

Grabbing our lunch, we made our way over to our normal table and waited for the arrival of the others. The lunchroom began to fill up with chattering students and my other siblings quickly appeared through the crowd and made their way over to us.

We sat in silence, as we always did, although Rosalie took great pleasure in silently hurling obscenities about me and questioning my sanity. As usual, she was mostly just thinking about how the whole situation affected her, and I was suddenly very glad that Alice and Jasper hadn't told the rest of the family what was going on. I could only imagine Rose's incensed reaction if she knew.

I went very still as Bella's scent hit me when she entered the cafeteria. I didn't turn to face her though, my concern would have been too obvious and my family would have grown curious by my attention. No – for now I had to pretend to only be concerned that she might expose us. Luckily, she didn't seem particularly inclined to talk. Instead she sat quietly, her head bowed over her food, as Jessica regaled the packed lunch table with the story of Bella's rescue.

I scowled as Jasper picked up her discomfort at the attention, and my mood blackened even further when I heard the thoughts of the human children. Half of the girls round the table were jealous of the attention Bella was now receiving, their thoughts black as they carefully kept painted smiles on their faces. The boys on the other hand, were distorting the events of yesterday, putting themselves in my place and imagining themselves as Bella's rescuers.

Mike Newton and Tyler Crowley in particular were getting on my nerves, and my fists involuntarily clenched as Newton began to fantasize about how Bella would reward him for his imaginary heroics.

Bella herself seemed incredibly uncomfortable with the attention she was getting. Her face appeared permanently flushed and she ducked her head, using her hair as a shield to ward off people's stares.

My family were listening intently to Jessica's second-hand ramblings of how I had saved Bella from having her brains leak out of her ears. If I hadn't been so on edge with tension then I would have found her interpretation of events very entertaining.

At that moment Bella turned her attention towards our table. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her studying us curiously, just as Jessica proclaimed that I had behaved in a manner similar to Bruce Willis. That got a reaction from my family. Alice and Jasper both snorted, fighting back smiles, and Emmett didn't even bother to hide his hysterics, laughing loudly and elbowing me in the ribs. I grimaced at the blow. Rosalie scowled again and reached up to smack the back of Emmett's head, hissing at him that he wasn't allowed to laugh – he wasn't even supposed to be able to hear what was going on at that table over the general cafeteria. He didn't even flinch, he just grinned cheerfully at his wife and we all settled back down into our positions of indifference.

I tried to ignore Bella's presence, tried to turn away and pretend she wasn't there, just to regain some semblance of calm. Her heart rate was gradually speeding up though, where she sat surrounded by a crowd of students. I could feel her watching me, a sixth sense alerting me to her scrutiny.

I couldn't bear it any longer. Twisting in my seat, I stared at her, catching her eye, even though she was still using her hair as a barrier between us. She shifted in her seat and it was that tiny movement that told me that she was aware of my attention.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. I wanted to know everything about her – what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what her reaction would be towards me when we faced each other next hour in Biology.

Bella abruptly stood up, breaking the eye contact between us. I felt the loss keenly. She muttered something about going to class, and Alice immediately began silently screaming at me that this was my chance to talk to her. I nodded imperceptibly and was halfway out the cafeteria as Mike and Tyler jumped up, both harbouring thoughts of accompanying Bella to class. Only I, and perhaps Alice, knew how relieved I felt when she shot them down and stormed out of the lunchroom.

I sped along to the science labs, wanting to be seated and waiting for her by the time she got to the classroom. I heard her heavy, uneven footsteps approach and sat up straighter, words running through my head as I tried to decide how I was going to explain my behaviour to her, how I was going to beg for her forgiveness.

What I didn't realise was that while I had been so tangled up in my own thoughts and my desire to make things right with Bella, Alice had followed me out of the cafeteria. I heard the soft thud as Bella blindly walked into my sister and stumbled back. I didn't hear her fall though and could see from Alice's thoughts that she had managed to steady Bella's balance so that she remained on her feet.

"What are you doing?" I muttered angrily. Alice didn't bump into anyone, like the rest of us she was far to alert and agile to have such a collision and I realised that this coincidence must have been staged deliberately. My sister chose to ignore me, hiding her thoughts while cheerfully asking if Bella was alright from her near accident.

Watching carefully through her eyes, I could see the bewildered look that Bella gave her, before tentatively reaching out to accept a plastic tub that Alice handed her.

"What are you up to, Alice? What's in that tub?"

She still didn't answer me, instead choosing to address Bella's inquisitive look. "I'm sure we'll be great friends in the future. You should use that on the bruises. Trust me, it'll help."

Bruises? _Bruises?_

My sister's thoughts floated along the corridor to where I sat numbly, horror-struck. '_I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't want to tell you before in case you didn't come back home. Don't worry though, she's not badly..._'

I tuned out any further explanation, my fists clenching and my eyes slamming shut. All of my worst fears had now been confirmed. I had hurt Bella; more importantly, I had hurt her badly enough that Alice felt the need to intervene. My body started shaking.

...monster monster monster monster...

That word ran on repeat through my mind, taunting me.

A shuffle near the door shook me out of my misery. Bella was here and I needed to act normally; I needed to apologise to her and I needed to be forgiven. I just wasn't sure anymore if I was going to be able to speak to her. How dare I address such an angel after what I had done?

She was smiling as she turned the corner, through the door and into the classroom. She looked so happy, despite the fact that she must have realised that what I did to her last night was real and not a dream. I had expected her anger and her disgust. Instead, she flushed prettily before ducking her head and heading towards me.

I didn't understand. She was supposed to be traumatised, upset; I had violated her after all – didn't she know what I had done to her? She wasn't supposed to boldly walk towards me offering me a shy smile.

"Hello, Edward."

Everything I had thought to say was stuck in my throat, held back by the inevitable wave of venom that rose as she approached me. How could she be so kind to me? How could she be so kind and smell so good and make me just want to...?

I nodded at her. I was worried that if I tried to speak, a growl would be the only sound to emerge.

Evidently, my silence displeased Bella more than if I'd spoken to her, as she hissed at me, a curiously vampiric sound, before tossing her bag heavily onto the desk that we shared. She slammed the tub of what looked like lotion down next to it, and the sound reverberated around me like a death knell, reminding me exactly of why she needed such a thing in the first place.

I needed to know how bad it was, to see how badly I had hurt her, only she seemed to have dressed to hide that very thing, her long-sleeved shirt left only her untouched hands and face bare.

My hand reached out to grasp her wrist as she sat down, holding it firmly as I slid her sleeve upwards, baring her forearm to my gaze.

Bruises. Bruises covering even more bruises. Her entire arm was almost completely blackened and I couldn't stop my cry of dismay that I could have injured her so badly.

I had known that I had hurt her - Alice had just confirmed it, but this...

How could I have been so careless? What had happened to my carefully won control? I didn't even exert the kind of force to do this much damage on my kills. If this was what her arm looked like, I couldn't even imagine how battered the rest of her must be. And I was still touching her, still gripping her tightly when I knew I had no right.

Thoroughly shaken, I let go of her abruptly, gripping the soft wooden table under my fingers as I allowed myself to give into my grief at my actions. Bella was staring at her arm as if she hadn't seen it before, and noticing my fixation, she tugged the cotton of her top back down over it, hiding the bruises from my sight once more. I did the only thing I could at this point – apologise.

"I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Bella."

It was meagre consolation for the grievous injustice I had bestowed upon her.

To my surprise however, Bella took it upon herself to console me. "I'm fine, Edward. Really. This is nothing. I'm not hurt. Some of them are from the accident yesterday, not... not last night, Edward. You didn't hurt me last night."

Pretty words. Pretty lies.

Bella was a good person, a kind person; it made sense that she would want to make me feel better about the whole thing, but I knew the truth. Those bruises hadn't been caused by the accident – I had been careful of her then, and I had taken note of every inch of her body yesterday when she had been laid out so delectably bare in front of me. I remembered everything from last night, but I didn't remember seeing any bruises.

She had to understand that I knew I had hurt her. Pretending I hadn't didn't make anything better. And even if she hadn't felt any pain at the time, or so she claimed, I knew that she had to be hurting now, and lying to me didn't change that fact.

"But I hurt you before, Bella. Even if you're not in pain right now, I hurt you."

She shook her head, denying my words. Completely unexpectedly, she grabbed my hand, trying to uncurl my fingers from their tight grip on the table. I resisted for a moment before relenting to her touch, allowing her to entwine our hands. I was enthralled by the sight of our clasped hands.

She cared. She shouldn't, but she did. Her next words only confirmed this.

"It's not your fault, Edward, you couldn't help it. You're just strong. Accidents like that will happen."

I stared at her in amazement, overcome by her consideration. She had a look of utter conviction upon her face. Bella really believed what she was saying; she honestly didn't blame me for her injuries.

"Bella." I let go of her hand and cupped her cheek and her eyes fluttered shut at the contact. "You don't know..."

Mr Banner entered the room then, his thoughts preoccupied with the experiment he was going to set in today's class. I quickly dropped the hand that was touching Bella, not wanting either of us to get into trouble for inappropriate behaviour.

Bella whimpered as I let go of her and I wondered if she truly felt the same kind of strong connection that I did. I didn't have the opportunity to ask her though as the rest of the class filed in. It was probably best that I couldn't ask her; I would only want to do something stupid like proclaim my undying devotion to her, and she was better off without someone like me in her life.

The touches, her warm smile – I didn't deserve any of it. I needed to remember that, and I needed Bella to remember that.

"Bella," I whispered in her ear, breathing in the rich scent of her skin and that precious blood underneath, "I know you have a lot of questions, but please believe me when I say that you shouldn't want to..." I had to stop and take a deep breath to get the next words out, so great was my desire not to say them. "It's best if we're not friends. It's best if I stay away from you."

I felt her shock as if it had hit me. Bella had gone completely still, almost as still as one of us, but I resolutely kept my eyes facing the front of the class, leaning away from her slightly, putting some distance between us. I couldn't give into my baser instincts, which even now were screaming at me to grab hold of Bella and whisk her away from school, take her into the forest, lay her down and...

I swallowed hard.

"Edward, why...?" Bella began to protest, but luckily for me was interrupted by Banner. I took advantage of the busy class to distract me from Bella's presence next to me, shooting out of my seat and heading out of the school the second the bell rang. Bella would barely have had a chance to blink before I was out of the building.

I was for the best. If I had stayed, she would have had the opportunity to speak to me, and I wasn't sure that I could have resisted her if she had asked me to stay.

So much for my apology.

I left the keys to the Volvo in the car, knowing that Alice would see them and know where to find them to get home. I chose to run, trying to futilely burn off some of the rush I felt. Being in Bella's presence seemed to energise me like nothing I had experienced before; but that remarkable trait didn't discount the fact that I had wanted to kill her or that I had hurt her and stolen her virginity.

The house came into view and I powered through the door and up the stairs, pausing to pant heavily, even though the exertion had no true physical effect on me.

"Edward?"

I spun wildly to my left, barely resisting sinking into a defensive crouch at the intrusion. Carlisle stood at the door to his office.

"Are you ok, son?" He took a step forward and I struggled to think.

"You're back early." It was inane, but it was the only thing I could think of to say.

Carlisle nodded and leaned back against the frame. "They insisted I come home and get some rest at the hospital. Since there were no major surgeries scheduled today, I agreed."

I nodded and we stood in silence for several minutes. It took me a while to realise that Carlisle was surreptitiously studying me as I struggled to gain control of my wildly fluctuating thoughts. Then I remembered what Alice had said.

"Carlisle...may I speak with you?"

My father looked puzzled, but nodded. "Come and sit down in the office." Strolling into the room, he took a seat in the winged-back armchair that was positioned in front of the fire. I couldn't make myself sit down, so chose to pace up and down in front of him. He watched me cautiously, but didn't interrupt.

I cracked. "Do you remember Bella Swan?"

"Bella Swan whom you saved yesterday? Yes."

"I..." There was that speech impediment again. Before last night I had never had any problems expressing myself and now I could barely talk. "Last night, after we all talked... I went to see Bella."

"You went to see her," he repeated, a frown now etched upon his face.

"Yes. No. I didn't mean to." I didn't know what I was trying to say. "But I did, and now I think I need to go and see her again."

"I see," he said, although I wasn't sure what exactly it was that he saw. "Is that wise?"

I laughed, the noise sounding hysterical even to my ears. "Probably not."

Carlisle nodded, but offered no judgment which prompted me to continue. "I owe it to her to go back and talk to her again."

At this, Carlisle finally stood and clasped my shoulder. "Edward, I don't know what's going on between you and Isabella Swan and I'm not convinced that you even know what you're doing, but please try and remember that you need to tread carefully, for all our sakes."

"You don't trust me," I stated, shrugging off his grip.

"I don't know whether to trust what you're doing," he corrected, "especially seeing as you don't appear to be certain of what you're doing in the first place. Just...be careful."

His thoughts matched his words, expressing nothing but concern for all of us, including Bella.

"I'll try," I agreed shakily. "I just... Can I speak to you later about it? I really need to speak to Bella first, but can I talk to you about it later?"

His frown hadn't disappeared, but he nodded reluctantly. He was worried about me and so he should be, he didn't know what a devil I'd become. I turned to leave the room but he called me back before I could disappear again.

"Edward, I don't pretend to understand what's going on, but remember that I am always here to talk to and I will always love you no matter what you do."

His words touched me and I only wished I could validate his feelings of pride in me.

"And it might be an idea to hunt before you see Bella Swan again. If she's truly your singer then you won't want to see her when you're this highly strung. Far better to quench your thirst first."

It was sensible advice. "I will... Thank you." As I bolted out of the house once more, I could hear his troubled thoughts follow behind me and I ran even faster.

...

I was experiencing acute déjà vu.

Just like last night I had gorged myself to the brim with blood to take the edge off my nerves and was now following the increasingly familiar path towards Bella's house. I took a deep breath before scaling the wall and entering her room again through the window.

She lay on her bed, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and my nose flared at the leftover traces of our mixed scents on the fabric. One of her hands was tracing over a large black bruise on her neck, a small smile touching her lips, and I shuddered as I remembered the pleasure of leaving my mark so prominently on her body. I shouldn't even have been thinking like that, but it was as if seeing her broke down all my barriers and I could only remember the fervour I had felt when I was sucking on the skin over her jugular – feeling all that blood pumping away beneath my mouth.

A sharp gust of wind blew through the open window and Bella frowned as the chill struck her. I had forgotten to close the window behind me. She bolted upright and gasped at the sight of me and I immediately felt bad for the shock I had given her. What had I been thinking, storming into her room like this...again? She had every right to feel scared by my presence given what I had done to her.

I couldn't stay away though, and being here, in this room, just made me want to touch her.

She watched, wide-eyed, as I walked towards her, but she didn't move away from me and she didn't tell me to stop. Acceptance and need showed on her face and I knelt on the bed, leaning towards her. Before I touched her though, I needed her to know my regrets for the way I had behaved.

"I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry."

Reaching out, I swept her tousled hair back from her face, using my grip on it to tilt her head to one side, baring the mark on her neck to me. It filled me with both a deep sense of pride that she wore my imprint so beautifully and shame that I must have hurt her so badly to leave this dark and deep a bruise. I gently kissed the mark, silently apologising for my inconsideration and then rested our foreheads together so I could gaze into her eyes. Curiously, it felt more intimate than anything else we had done so far.

I could feel Bella trembling underneath my hands, her body quivering with either fear or excitement, I couldn't tell which. Her heart was pounding heavily in her chest and I felt the need to reassure her.

"I tried to stay away. I really did... and I'm so sorry that I'm weak. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I needed to be here with you. Please forgive me."

Bella didn't answer. Instead, she nuzzled me gently before pressing her lips to mine. I was completely dumbfounded; surely she should have been pushing me away from her and telling me to get out, rather than wrapping her arms around me to press us closer together. I couldn't help myself. I kissed her back.

This was bliss, to have this warm, loving person accept me like this, to have her want to continue touching me like this.

She threw her head back to gasp for air and as her mouth was torn from mine, I was shocked back into reality.

I was repeating my mistakes, wanting her when I shouldn't, allowing my body to control my actions instead of my head.

Bella seemed oblivious to all this. Her eyes were half-closed and her cheeks flushed as she moved close to me again. I had to stop her, placing my hands on her shoulders and pushing her back.

Bella looked like she was going to protest so I held up a hand to stop her.

"Bella, I think we need to talk."

Bella seemed stunned by my pronouncement, so I took the opportunity to move her back so that she was resting against the headboard of her bed while I sat at the bottom. It was good to put some distance between us. That way I could think more clearly.

I knew that I had some explaining to do, but I couldn't think where to start. My hand came up to rake through my hair as I deliberated what to say.

"You'll pull it all out if you keep doing that?"

Bella's voice broke into my musings and I spun to face her. "What?"

She looked embarrassed to have spoken in the first place. "Your hair. Um, if you keep running your hands through it like that it'll fall out... and you'll be... bald."

I wanted to laugh at the completely random statement, but it just emphasized the differences between us. In Bella's human world, losing your hair probably was a concern, but not in mine. Bella was now staring intently at her legs and I realised that the longer I took to answer, the worse she probably felt.

"My hair won't fall out."

"What?" Ok, so she hadn't been thinking about what she had just said. It made me wish, not for the first time, that I knew what was going on in her head.

"My hair won't fall out."

"Oh, right."

The tension was building between us and we both spoke to break it at the same time.

"Bella, I'm..."

"Edward, I..."

I stopped to allow her to speak, but she remained quiet so I took the opportunity to say my piece.

"Bella, I know you said not to earlier, but please allow me to apologise for what I did to you last night." The need to pull her towards me and cradle her in my arms was overwhelming, but I managed to resist, settling for grasping her hand between mine. "Not just for the bruises, although those are bad enough, but for what I did last night... the way I acted. Please believe me that I never meant to take advantage of you like that."

Bella stared at me and I hurried to explain myself.

"I mean, breaking into your room like that and then... Please understand that I would never have assented to such actions if I hadn't believed that you were fully in possession of your faculties. I should have never allowed it to happen anyway. The damage I could have caused. The damage I did cause." I released the grip I had on her hands to gesture towards her bruised body. Bella still looked unconvinced by my apology and I struggled to convince her of my sincerity. "Don't worry though, I won't let it happen again. I won't come near you again." I would keep that promise, even though it hurt to stay away from her. "Please accept my apologies for any harm caused."

Bella didn't look happy at my announcement that I would keep away from her. In fact she looked incredibly angry.

"How dare you?" she hissed. "If I want you to go away I'll say. I don't regret what happened last night. You didn't take advantage of me, Edward."

I was confused. She wanted me to stay near her? She didn't regret anything?

"Bella, you weren't able to make conscious decisions last night. You thought you were asleep. I took advantage of you."

She didn't get it. She was too forgiving.

I jerked away from her and began pacing up and down the room, gripping my hair tightly in my fists to stop me from waving my arms around and doing even more damage.

She didn't understand. Bella thought that she had had a choice in this, she thought that it was ok. It wasn't ok. I had violated her, why couldn't she understand that? I had hurt her; I had forced her. I was no better that a rapist.

"Stop it. Just stop it," she suddenly screamed.

Her yell stopped me in my tracks and I watched her carefully, wondering if she was going to shout again, keeping an ear out to make sure her father hadn't been disturbed. She was studying me intently, a frown upon her brow, her lip once again caught between her teeth.

What was she thinking? What did she see when she looked at me?

My fingers twitched, but I restrained myself from reaching out to her. God, I wanted to touch her.

As if she could feel my want, Bella closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. Keeping eye contact with me, she steadily raised her arm up, holding her hand out to me. I didn't understand. How could she want me to touch her?

"Come here." She beckoned me forward, but I shook my head. If I went near her now then I would be lost. She whispered to me, tempting me closer. "Please. Please come to me."

I lurched forward, taking one juddering, hesitant step forward, lost in her chocolate eyes which called me forward. She took my hand, trying to pull me forward with both of hers. I resisted – my last stand, which promptly crumbled under her next words.

"Edward, please."

She led me forward to sit next to her on the bed, my hands still clasped within hers. Very tenderly, she brushed my hair back and I nearly purred as her fingers settled on the back of my neck and scratched lightly.

"Edward," she murmured huskily, "I'm going to say something now and I need you to listen to me, ok?"

I hummed, content to sit there and listen as long as she kept touching me like this.

Bella took another deep breath. "Ok. First of all, please do not in any way compare yourself to a rapist. You didn't attack me; I'm not your victim. I was awake when we...had sex."

She stumbled over the words and I nearly corrected her by saying that we made love, but I knew that I had behaved badly so I kept my mouth shut and let her speak.

"I may have thought that I was dreaming, but that wouldn't have changed my actions. I made exactly the same decisions that night as I would have made if I knew that I was awake. I wanted it, I wanted... you. You didn't take advantage of me in any way, shape or form."

What she was saying was just too good to be true. Too good. She shouldn't be making excuses for me like that. I knew what I had done. She shouldn't be trying to take all of this upon herself.

"Bella, don't..."

She interrupted me, cupping my cheek and turning my face so I was forced to meet her eyes. "Edward, you did not take advantage of me. You did not rape me. Please don't try to turn what happened last night into something horrible. It wasn't horrible. It was beautiful. Please... you're not a monster."

She didn't know how wrong she was about me. Even if she could forgive me for the night before, she would still never truly know the depths of my depravity – the evils I had done, the people I had killed.

Tears leaked from the corners of Bella's eyes and I could have wept myself at the thought that she was crying for me and my broken soul. Cupping her face, I brushed away the evidence of her distress, wishing I could wipe away the past just as easily.

I had to tell her the truth. I needed her to understand why she should stay away from me, no matter that I wanted to cling to her. "Bella... Bella, you don't know what I am, what I've done. You don't know. If you did you'd see that I am a monster...and what I did to you just proves it."

"No, Edward..." she began to protest.

"_It proves it_. I mean, look at you. Look what I've done to you. Those bruises, those marks... they aren't the kind of marks left by someone good, Bella. And I haven't just hurt you physically either, I've irreparably damaged your reputation as well. Trust me, Bella, I am a monster and you'd do well to stay away from me in the future."

I needed to take my own advice now and get away from her. Pushing her arms away from me, I went to stand up, only to be stopped in my tracks when she suddenly threw herself forward, locking her arms around my neck and clinging to me tightly.

She buried her face in the crook of my neck and I shuddered at the feel of her hot breath on my skin as she pleaded with me not to go.

"Please don't go. You're not a monster. You're not. You're not, you're not, you're not." She sounded so broken as she sobbed into my neck.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave without hurting her, and hurting her more was the last thing that I wanted to do. A small part of me rejoiced when I realised that I would have to stay until she calmed down.

Lifting her slender body up, I slid down the bed to that I was sat in her earlier position, against the headboard, and swung her legs around so that she was sitting across my lap. I could only hope that I hadn't put her in an incredibly uncomfortable position. Bella didn't seem to notice though, still holding tightly onto me as she continued to whisper her mantra.

"You're not a monster, Edward. You're not, you're just not."

I wish I had half the faith in myself that Bella seemed to have. As it was, her continued assurances were beginning to make me believe that maybe I wasn't truly bad. It gave me comfort anyway and staying with her was the least I could do to return it.

I breathed in the sweet scent of her blood before quickly kissing the crown of her head. I didn't have much experience in calming down hysterical females, so I settled for holding Bella closer to me and rocking her gently from side to side as you would a child.

"Shhh, Bella, it's alright. Please be calm. Please don't be upset over me. It will all be alright."

Bella calmed slightly, getting her breathing back under control. "You're not... a monster," she insisted through her gasps. "You're not. You didn't hurt me."

That was a ridiculous statement.

"Bella, how can you say that? I've seen your arms. How can you say I didn't hurt you? I bet the rest of your body is just as bad."

She should have fought against me, should have slapped me for the harm I had caused. Instead, Bella snuggled closer to me, brushing her mouth against my jaw.

"Edward, I have bruises, but you didn't hurt me. You didn't hurt me then and you're not hurting me now. Please understand that. I bruise easily. Please don't go away. This could have happened regardless of how strong you seem to be... which by the way, you've never got around to explaining to me."

I don't know if it was Bella's repeated assurances, but this time I truly heard what she was saying. Bella didn't see herself as my victim, and if she didn't believe it, when she was the injured party, then perhaps neither should I. I knew the bruises had to hurt though, now at least if not at the time, but Bella wanted me to listen to her. She had clung to me, refusing to let me leave to get me to hear what she had to say. Maybe I should start taking it all on board... even if her version of events was so different from my own.

The only thing I was unable to address though, was the secret of what we were and how I had stopped the truck. I had promised my family that I would protect our secret and I meant to keep that promise. I couldn't break it, not even for her.

"Bella, can we just... I'm sorry, but it's not... It's not something I can just tell you... Please – it's not my secret to tell. Please don't ask me. I can't tell you. I won't tell you."

The more I talked the stronger my resolve became - even though it felt like it could easily fall at one snap of Bella's fingers. What I had to remember was that to tell Bella what we were would put her in even more danger than she was already in. It couldn't be done; I wouldn't let our secret destroy her.

Bella wasn't perturbed by my rebuttal of her need for answers. Twisting round to face me, she moved her legs so that she was now straddling me, the cradle of her hips temptingly close to my groin which was beginning to stir at her close proximity.

Gripping her hips, I slid her back towards my knees, away from my erection. That didn't deter her though, and she immediately leaned forward to press her chest to mine, brushing my cheek with her own. From this new position I could see the mark on her neck that I had made and dropped another kiss over the blackened skin in silent apology for my roughness. Bella shivered under my mouth and this time I was fairly certain that the involuntary movement came from her increasing arousal. Her skin was beginning to warm up, her heart slowly picking up pace and her scent changing ever to so slightly.

"Edward," she whispered into my ear, "what did you mean when you said that you'd hurt my reputation as well as my body?"

Once again she had managed to surprise me, veering off on a tangent that I couldn't have predicted. I didn't know how to answer her though. Reputation wasn't really a modern concept and I knew that I would struggle to explain it to her. Most people these days placed so little value on morality. Bella was a good person though, so maybe she would be able to see where I was coming from.

"Edward?" she prompted.

"I... My family is very traditional. I was brought up to respect... young ladies, such as yourself. What happened last night..."

"When we had sex." Her bald assessment threw me and I found myself wanting to correct her.

"When we... made love," I corrected. "That is the kind of thing I was brought up to believe should only happen between two people who mutually love and respect each other."

"Oh." Bella was disappointed by my explanation, and I suddenly realised just how dismissive of her I had sounded.

"Not that I don't respect you, Bella. I do. I just..." I couldn't explain myself properly. "God, I'm making a mess of this."

"No," Bella rushed to reassure me. "It's alright. I understand what you mean exactly." Her words sounded too much like a platitude though.

"I don't think you do. We've only known each other a short while, Bella. We've had exactly three conversations. I just think..."

I didn't know what I thought. I knew what I wanted from Bella, but I also know that I had no right to want it.

"What? What do you think?"

I relented. "I just think that this situation would be less... would be more... proper...if we had had a relationship first. Please understand, I was brought up believing that people should only engage in sexual relations after they are married. I feel like I've dishonoured you."

Bella shook her head, but didn't say anything. After a minute of silence, she quickly pressed a kiss to my neck. The feel of her mouth on such a sensitive area made me gasp, which seemed to please her. Encouraged by my reaction, she then began to dot a row of kisses up my throat and along to my ear where she whispered my name. I hummed in pleasure at the sensations she was causing.

"Trust me, I don't feel dishonoured."

I immediately began to protest at that, because I knew that I had done her a grave injustice even she didn't see it herself, but she stopped me in my tracks by pressing her fingers to my lips. I swallowed heavily.

"I don't feel dishonoured," she repeated. "Do you want to know how I really felt last night?"

The memories were beginning to overwhelm me, stirring up my arousal as I pictured us together in my mind, her body moving perfectly with mine.

"How did you feel last night?" I asked, recognising the need in her eyes that mirrored my own.

"I felt amazing..." She kissed the corner of my mouth. "...and perfect..." She kissed the other side and I locked all my muscles to keep myself from clutching her to me too tightly. "...and beautiful..." She licked my lip and I couldn't prevent the growl that rumbled from my chest at the action. Bella didn't seem to mind. Instead the sound only seemed to stimulate her as her hips began to move against me in a tantalisingly slow rhythm.

All of my good intentions flew out the window and all I wanted was to be as close to Bella as possible. There was one thing I needed her to know first though.

I poured every ounce of truth and sincerity into my words. "You are beautiful." I couldn't believe that she would ever think otherwise.

She searched my face, searching for the truth, and she found it there. "Edward..."

I lunged forward, capturing her lips with mine and kissing her with as much passion as I could imbue in the action. Bella wasn't put off by my fervour, rather meeting it with her own and moaning deliciously into my mouth.

Bella's fingers raked through my hair, tugging sharply at the strands and drawing a groan from me as she rocked against me, searching for friction. I could feel her breathing stutter and broke away from her lips to allow her to get some air.

This was incredible. Being here with Bella was the most mind-blowing experience of my life.

But I knew it couldn't last.

I knew the differences between us and the secrets I had to keep, not to mention the harm I could do, would only come between us and it was better for Bella if I stayed away.

The shredded remnants of my honour demanded that I tell Bella this now, before I let this go any further tonight...no matter if it would end what we had just started.

Bella was eyeing me with some trepidation now and it struck me that her caution was well-advised. She knew that I was going to pull back, I could see it in her eyes.

I gathered my courage, closing my eyes to protect me from her beseeching look. "Bella... you realise that we can't take this any further. I can't have you near me... I'm no good for you. Please just let me go without causing any more damage."

I could feel her shake her head. "I don't care... I don't. Please Edward... even if you have to go away after... please let me have this. I need to feel you inside me."

My unneeded breath caught in my throat. Such a bold statement of intent both shocked and aroused me to an almost painful level. My need was only increased as Bella slid as close to me as humanly possible and hooked her legs around my waist, locking us together.

I opened my eyes to look at her. She wanted this, she really did. One of my hands slid up her back to cradle her neck. I briefly glanced towards the window, my only chance of escape.

I didn't want to leave. "I'm going to hell."

She took my words for the accession they were and fused her mouth to mine.

As much as I loved kissing Bella, at the first opportunity my mouth trailed down to her neck and I lavished attention on the mark I had left there last night. Something primal in me revelled in the sight of her bearing my mark and I felt the demon within me stir at the thought that she was mine.

There was so much more skin to explore just below her neck and gripping the hem of her shirt, I whipped it over her head leaving her just in her bra, and began to kiss and lick all over her deliciously soft skin. Bella's fingers brushed against my chest, scorching me, as she fumbled to undo the buttons on my shirt. She smiled when she finally succeeded and pushed the shirt off my shoulders. I shrugged it off my arms blindly as my mouth moved ever closer to Bella's breast, hidden underneath the silky fabric of her bra.

I couldn't have that. I needed to feel her skin beneath me. I showed no restraint as I took advantage of my superior strength and shredded all of the remaining clothes that hid Bella's body from my sight. Her nipples puckered in the cool air and I immediately latched onto one, sucking it into my mouth and flicking it with my tongue. Moving to the other, I covered my teeth with my lips and bit down lightly on the swollen flesh.

Bella slid her arms over my shoulders, holding me to her as she began to move rhythmically against my erection. The feel of her writhing against my cock sent a growl ripping out of my chest again. Instead of scaring her, the feral sound seemed to heighten her arousal as her movements became more frantic and small gasps escaped her throat. I didn't know if she was aware of it, but she was whimpering in time with her grinding, every push of her hips forward eliciting a small grunt.

Her eyes were fluttering as she fought to reach her peak and I slid my hands down her chest, gently pinching her nipples on the way down, enjoying the small squeaks she made as I did. My fingers moved even lower and I brushed them against her swollen clit tentatively, wanting to check that she wasn't too sore from last night before increasing the pressure.

"Edward..."

She was so close. "Come for me."

She came. Burying her face in my neck, I felt every inch of her body tense, her nails scratching at my shoulders, before she suddenly relaxed, her body going limp in my arms.

Not willing to lose momentum and wanting to send her over the edge yet again, I slid two fingers inside her, her walls fluttering weakly against my digits. As if those fingers had given her an electric jolt, Bella came to life again, her body surging upwards and rocking into my hand. She deftly undid my belt and tried to force my jeans down, whimpering when they got stuck between our bodies and settling for rubbing her palm over me.

I groaned at the pressure she was exerting, then realised I could feel that touch on my bare skin if only I could get my pants off.

Sliding my fingers out of her body, but unwilling to let her juices go to waste, I stuck them in my mouth, my eyes rolling back at the taste of her. I wrapped an arm around her waist and hoisted her up easily – she weighed nothing and felt amazingly delicate in my arms. With her wriggling ass off my lap, I was able to swiftly remove my jeans using one hand whilst she did her best to distract me, covering my chest and shoulders with kisses.

Once I was undressed, our frantic fumblings began to slow as we found a more relaxed rhythm, and I lifted Bella's face so that I had access to those pouting lips once more as I began to lower her on top of me, hoping that she would find the new position more comfortable than last night.

It didn't work, as she whimpered when I finally began to enter her, and I froze, unsure if I should lift her off me and forget about the whole thing.

"I'm fine, Edward," she breathed, "just go slowly, ok?"

"Of course," I whispered, capturing her bottom lip between mine and tugging lightly.

I lowered her onto me almost painfully slowly and we both sighed in relief once I was fully seated inside her. Bliss, scorching, unbelievable bliss.

I dotted kisses over Bella's face as I waited for her to adjust to my intrusion once more. She bucked her hips slightly, encouraging me to move, and I used the arm around her waist to begin to slide her up and down.

She felt so good, so tight and wet and warm.

Bella sped up our movements together, using her hands on my shoulders to increase our momentum so we were practically slamming against each other. She was panting heavily and her hair was beginning to stick to her hot face, but she had a small smile on her face as she rode me, her eyes tightly shut and her mouth babbling exclamations of delight.

I was breathing her name, every exclamation a devotion to her.

Bella's orgasm hit her hard and from out of nowhere, and she threw her head back and screamed my name loudly, her nails digging ineffectually into my back. I replied with hers, shuddering as my release pulsed through me in response.

I felt incredibly disconnected, like I was having an out of body experience, and in that instant, I wished that I could be like any other human male, holding my lover as we drifted off to sleep entwined together. Bella slumped against me, humming contently, and I stroked her back, soothing her as she came down from her high.

I wanted to stay like this forever, just lost in the afterglow of having Bella surrounding me, of making love to her, of having her show me her love – whatever kind it was. Sitting quietly with Bella was like nothing I had experienced before. For once, I was able to be in the presence of another, be close to them, and yet still be able to sit in peaceful quiet. I wished I could stay in this moment for the rest of my life...but I knew that it wasn't going to happen.

Dropping a gentle kiss onto the top of Bella's head, I lifted her up and off me, eliciting a hiss from her as I did so.

Oh God. I had hurt her again. Mentally kicking myself, I began to apologise yet again when she interrupted me.

"If you dare apologise, I'm going to hurt you... badly. I'm fine, I'm not in pain, so don't you dare ruin this for me."

She knew me better than I thought and I was going to have to learn to trust that she meant what she said and accept that she wasn't in any pain. Her threat though was completely adorable and I laughed at it.

"I'll try my best not to," I agreed.

I lay Bella down so she was reclined next to me, stretching out her cramped legs and massaging the sore muscles as I took the opportunity to surreptitiously gaze at her naked body spread out before me. I damped down those thoughts before my body stirred again, so easily aroused by this strange human girl.

Bella didn't accept my distance though, tugging on my arm until I lay down beside her, my hands trailing over her soft skin as she snuggled into me.

I wanted to stay like this, here with Bella... Which meant I had to leave.

I couldn't bring her into my world or ask her to accept it. It wouldn't be fair. And even now I was a danger to her; the scent of her blood was too tantalisingly close to be ignored.

I may not have been able to read Bella's mind, but it seemed that she was adept at reading mine.

"You have to go."

"Yes." Even though I didn't want to.

Sighing, she propped herself up on her elbow and stared down at me. "But can't we at least be friends?"

I wanted to be friends with Bella, but then, I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to cope with just being friends with her, not after this, not after what I had experienced here. I cupped her cheeks, memorising her face, so I would never forget this moment, even after I let her go.

"Never mind." Bella knew the answer and now she was putting distance between us herself, rolling over and turning her back to me.

"Bella," I began, and then stopped because I didn't know what I could say to make this better for her. Sighing, I got up off the bed, my hand raking through my hair as I tried to decide what to do. "Bella..."

No. It was no good. Better I get dressed and leave instead of try to make more excuses for myself. I had behaved badly towards Bella, both tonight and last night. It should never have happened and that was that.

I got dressed, retrieving my clothes from where they had been tossed around the room, and shrugged back into them.

A single tear leaked from beneath Bella's tightly closed eyes. I couldn't leave her like this, but I didn't see what else I could do.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the tub Alice had given her earlier – the lotion to help heal the bruises on her skin from last night. This was something I could do; I couldn't leave with her thinking that I didn't care at all.

Scooping some of the cream out, I began to smooth it over the skin of Bella's back, making sure I covered every inch. Bella sobbed as I worked, her body shaking and small gasps coming from her throat as she tried to cry quietly.

After working on her arms and legs, I hesitated and then rolled her over, before beginning on her front. I tried to make my touch as comforting as I could; this wasn't about arousal, this was about healing. Bella gradually relaxed under my touch, her body sinking further into the bed as she began to blink drowsily.

When I reached her neck, I could no longer remain impartial. I covered every inch which the lotion except for the mark I had left the night before. I liked the look of it on her and Bella made no move to object to my not wanting to heal it in a hurry.

After I was finished, I put the lotion back down and sat on the end of her bed, watching as Bella lost her battle with sleep. As her eyes fluttered shut one last time, there was something I needed to say, just so she knew how I felt about her, even if I couldn't tell her when she was awake.

"You're perfect to me, Bella."

She sighed in her sleep and rolled over, mumbling happily.

I stayed where I was for about an hour, watching Bella as she slept. She appeared content enough, snuffling into her pillow adorably on occasion, but as her sleep was undisturbed, I felt happy to leave her alone. The last thing I wanted was to abandon her without making sure she was alright first.

Sending one last glance longingly her way, I jumped out of the window and headed home, dreading the conversation that I would have to have with my father now. I had behaved so erratically earlier that I was sure he would demand to know what was going on between Bella and I.

What I hadn't anticipated, was that Carlisle would be waiting for me to arrive on the back porch, before I had a chance to shower and wash Bella's scent off me. His nostrils flared as I approached and I saw his disappointment in me flash across his face, before his thoughts registered it.

I ducked my head, thoroughly ashamed as I slowed my walk up to him.

"I think it's time we had that talk now, don't you, Edward?"


End file.
